hongergirl4

I recently discovered that the key to friendship is communication. Unfortunately I realized this the hard way… like I do most things. If you really think about it communication is important in all different relationships: boss-employee, student-teacher, husband-wife etc. What is difficult about communication is being able to express what it is that you are feeling in words. All through school I remember my english teachers always hounding me about writing what you feel, write from the heart is what they would say. Well what if you have trouble writing about what you feel from the heart because you can't necessarily describe it.

About a week ago I had an incident with a friend where I mis-communicated my feelings. It's strange, anyone who knows me, can tell you that I have no problem talking and communicating with people. I've been pretty lucky at holding conversations with complete strangers and even people I can't relate with at all. Most of the time I can talk with anyone, about anything at any place. But, the communication I have with all these people are surface level conversations that don't really involve how I really feel deep inside. I discovered that is why it's so easy for me to talk to anyone, (by the way I can talk your ear off) as long as I don't have to share anything too personal then I can communicate and conversate with you till dawn.

So why the mis-communication with the friend? I asked myself that question many times… and then it occured to me. Due to my childhood experience, I was always told to keep quiet and only listen (imagine me~ quiet… Ha~!). I wasn't allowed to say what I thought deep inside, most of the time I just nodded my head occasionaly and pretended like I cared. Keeping all these feelings inside became usual for me, until one day I was told it's good to let your feelings out. It was hard for me to even start letting a word out, but eventually I let my feelings out one day. *That day was the biggest regret of my life* The minute I let my feelings out was the minute that everything I said began backfiring at me. It wasn't until this day that I learned people really don't want to hear what you have to say unless it's positive, anything else you might as well keep to yourself. Having learned this at an early age I kept many things inside and was always scared to let anyone know.

About a couple weeks ago, my friend advised me to let my true feelings inside out and tell people what you really feel. As soon as I heard that advice, flash backs of that *horrible day* came rushing back. I tried my hardest to not think about it and to just let everything out but I couldn't. It was too painful. Then I thought to myself what is stopping me from saying it? And here it is… TRUST. I don't trust that people will not react the way they did to me on that *horrible day*. My friend then also told me that trust is the foundation of a relationship. How do you begin to trust someone when you have been let down so many times in the past? There have been so many experiences with people that I've loved and trusted including my family, but only to find out I was getting fed to the wolves.

What it boils down to is this, I wasn't able to express to my friend what I really felt at that moment and instead gave an ambiguous response. As a result my friend became fed up and began questioning my authenticity and whether I was being true and honest. By all means I tried to be as real as I could possibly be, but in the end it came across like I was being fake.

I'm not sure why I'm still uncomfortable revealing the truth about what I honestly feel. I have definitely started to improve this area in my life but it still has a lot working out to do. Unfortunately the reality of all this is, this mis-communication that happened between my friend and I has now left a dent in our relationship.

Communication is a life-long journey, it's not something you can ever stop working at but only become better at.

Arthur Brisbane once said, "A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling you."